Sew Queer: Stitching Love

Sew Queer is a project exploring the intersections of sewing and queer identity. To participate, use the hashtag #sewqueer or visit @sewqueer on instagram.

One of the things that draws me to sewing is the sense of connection: to a long historical lineage of stitchers of all kinds, to a body of knowledge passed down formally and informally, to my mother and my grandmothers, and to the people I’ve been meeting, face to face and online, who share the hobby. For lots of folks, too, connections are fostered through sewing for other people, partners, children, and other loved ones. That connection can be a fraught one or a funny one or one of seeming obligation (please don’t get me started on the “selfish”/”selfless” sewing idea).

However, some normative expectations around making, family, and community have felt really alienating to me: that sewing for myself is frivolous (when I could be making for loved ones or monetizing my hobby); that I should want marriage and children and a home filled with other people; that sewing should be about achieving a flattering shape, where flattering means adhering to gendered ideals.

I’m incredibly lucky to have a family that loves and supports me, but I nonetheless struggle with what it looks like to build relationships as an adult when almost nothing around me reflects what I actually want and need. For me, this all hinges on both a long formative time of not feeling like I could have a queer future, not having seen what that might look like, in person or on TV or in books, and on being demisexual, elementally independent, and ambitious in a career that does not broker much compromise. There’s not a lot of space or desire in my life for a traditional relationship, with someone of any gender.

I offer this all as a long and wordy introduction to a garment that carries in its threads multiple acts of making, a shirt I made for my sweetheart, Morgan. Longtime friends and more recent sweethearts, Morgan and I are trying to make something that, at times, feels cut from whole cloth without a pattern: a romantic, emotional, intellectual relationship that primarily supports our individual independence, solitude, and separate, personal life projects. We’re both makers, so creating for one another seems an intrinsic part of that, as we stitch and knit up items and send them across a couple of states, warm entwinements to keep us company in our individual lives.


Further, though, making this particular shirt at this particular time seemed quite an urgent and tangible way of honoring the making Morgan’s going through in their own life. As a trans nonbinary person, they’ve been in a process of transition over the past year, making changes to their life and their body that are bringing them to a place of greater comfort and happiness. It feels inadequate to say that they’re brave to do so, that I’m proud of the work they’re putting in; this world is eminently and viscerally hostile to trans folks, in small and large ways, and Morgan not only deals with that regularly but works hard to build a better, more loving and fulfilling world for their local trans and queer community in many beautiful ways.

In the face of this world, clothes are anything but insignificant, and I wanted to offer something that fit, in all the ways clothes can — the physical contours of our bodies, the ways we want to be seen in the world, the sensations of our skin and the climate of our environment. I wanted to create something that fit the breadth of their shoulders and their hips, that suited their pared down, practical, every so slightly vintage and earthy style, and that somehow, in the care of its stitches, communicated my love and care and pride.

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We worked together to select a pattern and a fabric, settling on the Colette Negroni and Cotton & Steel’s Rashida Coleman Raindrop collection in denim. The Negroni has a slightly casual, vintage-inspired silhouette, with a camp/convertible collar (no collar stand), chest pockets, and a faced front rather than a button placket. It also has tower plackets on the sleeves and rounded-corner cuffs, though the sleeves are rolled in most of these pictures.

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I cut a size small at the shoulders and chest, grading out to a medium at the hips (but at the length of a small), and shortened the sleeves by an inch for the first muslin. For the final version, I added 1/4″ at the bottom side edge of the yoke to allow just a little more give across the span of Morgan’s shoulders, and added about 2″ all the way around at the hips. (I realized later this was because I measured the pattern piece at the bottom of the medium but then cut it shorter, and didn’t allow for enough overlap — a good reminder to be precise when using pattern piece measurements for making up a garment!)

This is a common fit issue for transmasc folks and genderqueer/nb/butch folks with hips, because most menswear patterns are cut with quite close chest and hip measurements, and sometimes just grading between sizes isn’t enough. If you find you need more room at the hips, you can just add to the side seams by angling the side more steeply out and readjusting your curve as needed. This might take finagling to suit your body the way you like; the sides of the Negroni have a waist-to-hip flare which keeps the volume from being too full at the waist, but which might add unwanted emphasis to the hips if increased, but with a straighter-cut seam you might also end up with a lot of volume around the waist. To both avoid relying too much on that side seam and to give more room across the top of the butt, I added my 2″ of hip room by: 1) increasing the bottom of each side seam by 1/4″; and 2) adding a wedge to the center back fold that was 1/4″ at the top and 1/2″ at the bottom. This acts as a mock sway back, as it adds room for the rise of the butt, and the excess at the top is easily folded into the pleat(s) added when stitch the back to the back yoke.

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The fit turned out so great, so expect to see a few more here in future! I’m particularly pleased with my pattern matching on the pockets as well as a few secret details embracing Morgan’s love for whales. The construction of the Negroni shirt also included some techniques I hadn’t tried before, such as flat fell seams all around, including on the sleeve heads, the attachment of a camp collar (which requires a different “burrito method” than you’d use if attaching a collar stand), and a nifty method of invisibly attaching the front facings to the yoke seam. It sews up really nicely in the quilting cotton from Cotton & Steel, and would also look lovely in textiles with a more homespun texture, linens, or even lightweight wools.

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Sewing is an act of remarkable intimacy, a way of knowing bodies — your own, your loved ones — and a method of care that long outlasts the act itself. In our often-hostile world, in our political climate, that closeness feels at once incredibly urgent and immensely fragile, in need of nurturance and tenderness. Some of the reasons I started #sewqueer were to learn more about the way my fellow queer sewists use sewing to create and sustain those necessary connections, to have conversations about the ways making, identity, love, and care intersect, and to make space for visibility for the many ways of being and connecting that are absent from sewing communities and the world writ large.

What I’m trying to remind myself, and what I want to send out to all my fellow queer and trans and spinster and ace/demi/aro makers out there, is that we’re lovable even when the love we want is harder to find, to see, to make into being. We’re worthy of rich, meaningful friendships and relationships even when the things we want from them aren’t modeled for us. We’re deserving of clothing that suits our genders and our bodies even when stores won’t carry it. We deserve people who see us, and clothing that fits us, and to move through this world in confidence, safety, and love.

20 thoughts on “Sew Queer: Stitching Love

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  1. This is such a wonderful post. The act of making is one of intimacy. For me, I love to bake for other people, because it feels like you’re giving some of yourself (at least, your time) to them. I sew so much for myself, trying to figure out who I am through different feminine costumes. At one point, a friend asked me if I could sew a dress for him to wear to DragCon and I don’t think he realized just how insanely on board I was with making it. But part of me is afraid of sewing for other people. And I think it’s the feeling of that intimacy, that they’ll know that time has been spent for them. It’s a strange push, pull, and avoid with people for me.

    It’s such an amazing blouse and I love that the lining is a whale print! It really suits and fits Morgan perfectly.


    1. Thank you so much! I agree; I think there’s an almost scary or intimidating amount of intimacy in making, and sometimes it’s too much. I actually offered to make Morgan this shirt before we had shifted our friendship into a romantic one, and I worried over the offer for so long, because it felt like too much.

      Also, did you end up making the DragCon dress? How did it turn out?


  2. GOSH i just love absolutely everything about this post! Garment-making IS such an intimate form of care-giving, and one that is sometimes difficult to navigate because of all the cultural baggage & expectations, gendered & otherwise; you’ve engaged so beautifully with all of that and crafted (LOL) a model of it that seems like it brings both you & Morgan immense value and joy. Plus, that shirt is seriously stylin’.


    1. Oh, gosh, thank you so much! There’s a part of me that’s surprised I’m finding so much joy in making for someone else, precisely because of that baggage and expectations! Luckily Morgan’s an incredibly appreciative recipient.


  3. This is such a beautiful tribute to Morgan & love letter to the broader queer community. Thanks for making us aware of the unique fitting challenges trans folks face. I imagine shopping RTW would be difficult to say the least! And just one of those little ways in which the world is hostile towards the trans community.


    1. Thank you so much! It’s very much, as you say, a love letter to a broader queer community that’s been helping me feel safer and more content against the norms the rest of the world seems to be pushing. And it’s been so interesting to talk to Morgan about shopping and fitting, because some of the fit issues are ones I also face as a plus-size person (getting something that fits my top and bottom half feels like an serious accomplishment), but with different gendered expectations from the clothing industry and very different risks in moving through retail spaces presenting the way we do.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I keep returning to this and then promptly getting pulled away, but FINALLY, I am here and I want to thank you for this beautiful post – the writing and the intention! I so strongly identify with making as an act of love, and I envy both your skills and brilliance around the adjustments needed to make such an incredible well-fitting garment for your sweetheart.

    Also, I realized recently that I’ve been following you without realizing it for quite some time – I found you on Tumblr after you posted your rosy Almada robe! Grateful to you for this writing and for setting up the #sewqueer space, which is so inspiring and so affirming to see come to life, both in the way it celebrates queer making for queer bodies and just as a resource for a queer crafter/maker/domestic who has been looking for fellow queers in this crafty world for close to a decade. xo


    1. Oh, gosh, thank you so much! It’s kind of exciting to have folks who followed me over there come to this new space with me, because I feel like tumblr’s sort of its own world. I’m glad you’re here and happy that #sewqueer feels like a welcoming spae for you ❤


  5. I love this discussion of sewing as an act of intimacy and caring. That feels much closer to my feelings of making for loved ones. Lots of discussions of sewists making for other people seem to leave that emotional bit out, that fundamentally it is an act of love.


  6. Oh, thank you so much! I agree; I think that a lot of the discussion I see around making for loved ones focus on either practical issues or, occasionally, issues around obligation and stress (meeting deadlines, etc). Which are valid, if sometimes frustrating, reasons to sew, but not my primary driving motivation in sewing for Morgan, at least.


  7. I. Love. What. You’re. Doing!!!
    Twice now when I’ve gone in for a haircut in a dress I’ve made, my stylist mentions your work. I love how you explore the different ways we can shape ourselves and care for loved ones when what we need isn’t available in the marketplace! Superb craftsmanship and finagling! ❤️


  8. Lovely article! I love to sew for my wife [even if she mostly wants shirts, meh] and it’s great to go out with her and see her reaping in compliments over the latest. She loves to show off those little details, like contrast bound seams, fancy buttons, hand stitched hems, and the name label she likes me to sew inside. Because she does a lot of gardening and odd jobs for people, she is usually in ‘scruffs’ but seeing her all suited and booted and shooting the cuffs of a particularly smart new shirt, stitched with love, gives me a buzz.
    [latest shirts here
    The work I put in on her wedding dress was the best though- I never thought I’d get her into a gown, it was the last thing she’d imagined herself in, but she was so amazingly beautiful on our big day that she made grown men cry [literally]. On the very first toile fitting, she was scowling and grumbling, stomping to the mirror, annoyed I’d made her take off her jeans to check the fit…then she stood in front of that mirror, straightened up, smoothed out her skirts and GLOWED. Magical to be able to give someone something they never knew they wanted. [dress post here


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